This is an excerpt from my eBook, Taking Conservatives Behind the Woodshed: The Right Has Never Been So Wrong, available on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble for just $2.99. Admittedly, it's not one of my better chapters, though if one likes to read over-the-top satire filled with masturbation euphemisms, then this chapter is for you.
Chapter 19:
Christine O’Donnell’s Surprising Primary Victory Speech
In 2010, Congressman Mike Castle[i] from the state of Delaware ran as the Republican candidate to fill the seat of Former Senator Joe Biden, now Vice President of the United States. Enter Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell.[ii]
With the backing of out-of-state money (primarily from the billionaire Koch Brothers, founders of the Tea Party movement), O’Donnell flooded the airwaves insinuating that Mike Castle was gay, despite the fact that Representative Castle has been married to his wife since 1992. O’Donnell kept repeating that Castle wear his “man pants” and “man up.” Castle took the high road in response, but the negative attacks took their toll, and O’Donnell, with her state-wide 34% approval rating, somehow defeated Representative Castle in the Republican primary on September 14, 2010, and became the Republican senatorial challenger to Democrat Chris Coons.
After the primary, Fairleigh Dickenson University’s PublicMind[iii] twice polled Delaware voters, running a hypothetical match-up between Mike Castle and Chris Coons: Republican Castle beat Democrat Coons by a twenty-one-point margin (54%-33%).
O’Donnell was endorsed by the likes of the fanatical Family Research Council, the National Rifle Association, United States Senator Jim DeMint, Sarah Palin, and conservative commentators Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Mark Levin. On November 2, 2010, Democrat Chris Coons trounced Christine O’Donnell by 17 points in the general election. The Republicans lost a sure-fire Senate seat because of the Tea Party.
Christine O’Donnell’s claim to fame, besides acknowledging to comedian Bill Maher in 1999 that she once dabbled in witchcraft,[iv] was her stance on masturbation.[v] More to the point, she equated masturbation with adultery and called it “sinful.”
I was able to procure O’Donnell’s September 14, 2010 primary victory speech transcript that she disclosed to her closest friends and supporters. Considering her anti-masturbation mission in life and her belief in the sinfulness of such activity, I found this speech to be, well, more than a little stimulating:
“Thank you, thank you all. This is a wonderful night. I’m sorry I didn’t show up until now, but I’ve been playing the banjo in back. Oh, did you see the finger-painting in the lobby when you came in? That took some effort.
“I’ll take one question right now. What’s that? My favorite movie? It’s Driving Ms. Daisy. Either that or Rubbin Hood, I mean Robin Hood.
“Before I begin, I wish to thank my campaign manager, Hannie Palmer. Double clicking the mouse each and every day for me, along with two finger typing, I don’t know how this campaign would have managed without her. Unfortunately, she’s at home right now, nursing a hatchet wound.
“For those of you who don’t know, I started my career in theater, auditioning the finger puppets. That wasn’t going anywhere, so one day I was sitting in my car, getting a lube job. I had just finished cleaning my fur coat, when it struck me to run for office, and of course it was going to be for the Grand Old Party. Everyone knows the Republican Party is hitchhiking to heaven, and I wanted to be part of that!
“This primary shows that Washington’s not taking care of my business, and we are no longer diddling. I have to tell you, after watching those numbers come in it nearly ruined my eyesight. Winning this primary is such power – I feel like Moses parting the Red Sea. It’s been a real discovery coming into your own. Voters sure were banging the box for me. But we’re diggin’ in for the long stretch. I’m fingering something out, I mean figuring something out, how to beat Chris Coons in November. This victory was earned, but now we’re entering the forest. This isn’t like tiptoeing through the twolips.
“Had we lost, we might have gotten trigger happy. You know, resorting to hand to gland combat. But we are revving the engine! We wrestled that one-eyed monster Mike Castle to the ground. This time tomorrow, he’ll be off painting the ceiling or going fishing with the man in the boat. But we can’t rest! No, we can’t polish the pearl just yet.
“Some of my younger supporters might be thinking about shuffling your iPod, or maybe some of my more mature supporters will be spinnin’ a record tonight. But this isn’t the 1990s – we’re not slicking Willie these days and the two-finger tango will have to wait.
“Having said that, this might surprise some of you, but there’s no sense beating around the bush. I’m exhausted and I need some time off. Next week I’m going deep sea diving and then will be swimming in the Poon-Tang River. And after that I’ll be doing some indoor fishing or going mining. Shining the diamond is a real possibility there. I might go spelunking in the mystery cave, or possibly visiting Niagara Falls to unwind for a day. But the most relaxing time I have ever known is a night in with the girls.
“Oh, I understand we’re having some issues with the central computer. We’re going to try a manual override, but in the meantime we’re checking the status of the In/Out port. And I’ve just been told that security is searching for Ms. ‘G’ so whoever that is, please see them.
“This night’s just getting started, and we have refreshments and a buffet in back for all those who are hungry now. We’re having ladyfingers and cream, among other things. Juicing Lucy has been busy all day. I know she’s been hand tossing the tuna salad, peeling the peach, soaking the whisker biscuit, steaming the oyster, seasoning your fish, and shucking the fresh water clam. She’s been stirring the honey pot, that’s for sure. We ran out of gloves, so don’t catch her touching your tuna. Unfortunately, we only have clambake for one, so hurry back there!
“Enough of the applause – you’re making my girl happy!”[vi]
Chapter 19 – Christine O’Donnell’s Surprising Primary Victory Speech:
[i] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Castle
[ii] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christine_O’Donnell
[iii] http://publicmind.fdu.edu/winsome/final.pdf
[iv] http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/sep/20/christine-o-donnell-dabbled-witchcraft
[v] http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/sep/15/christine-odonnell-tea-party-interview
[vi] For the record, her victory speech contained fifty-eight euphemisms to masturbation. How shameful!
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Taking Conservatives Behind the Woodshed: The Right Has Never Been So Wrong (on Barnes & Noble -- that is a very long web address!)
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