Warren Buffett — The Ogre of Omaha

http://FinnWContini.com

http://money.cnn.com/2011/08/26/markets/warren_buffett_bofa_profit/index.htm?hpt=hp_t2

So much for being the Oracle of Omaha, as Buffett is more commonly known.

After reading the link, you'll see Buffett made $357M in one day (paper profits) with his investment in Bank of America.

According to the media, this kind of money made in one day is okay because Buffett is altruistic: He wants higher taxes on himself because his secretary is in a higher tax bracket than him, he "gave" $37 billion to the Gates Foundation, and on and on.

What the media won't tell you is:

1. Warren Buffett practically is the media — he's on the Board of Directors of the Washington Post, along with Melinda Gates, and both wield enormous influence in what news is reported and how it is reported;

2. JP Morgan is rumored to be buying Bank of America. That news privately broke (meaning it did not make the AP wire) less than 60 hours after Buffett made his $5 billion investment in BOA. Buffett bought preferred shares; if JPM buys BOA, common shareholders will be left with nothing, whereas preferred shareholders will be paid in full, with equity in JPM. BOA also pays Buffett $300M a year for 10 years for investing in BOA. Clearly, Buffett knew about the proposed buyout ahead of time, which is why he "invested" $5 billion — he knew it was a sure thing, a risk-free investment, and BOA sweetened the deal to get Buffett's $5 billion so JPM would buy BOA out;

3. Buffett sits on the Board for the Gates Foundation, and the $37 billion he "gave" to Gates in 2007 was so that 95% of that money would be invested and upon which no taxes would be paid on the profits. That's how foundations from billionaires work — their "charitable" foundations are actually their private investment firms;

4. Buffett's calls for the super rich to be taxed more are because he knows that the super rich, like him, will never be taxed more. It's a public relations ploy, and the media, part of which he controls, is eating it up. Millionaires may face higher taxes soon enough, but billionaires write the laws that protect their money forever.

This is why I try not to watch TV — this kind of disinformation is gobbled up by ignorant Americans, and those who get all their news from the TV are the most ignorant of all because they believe the shit that's reported is fact when it's just fiction.

I believe that using insider information is illegal, but billionaires are the elite in the United States, same as the aristocrats of yesteryear. Buffett will never be held accountable for his illegal actions, because he's rich and more powerful than any of us can imagine. For those types of people in America, they are untouchable — our laws, Congressional resolutions, and Supreme Court decisions do not apply to them.

Just ask Bill Gates what the US Federal Court decision in 2000 against Microsoft to break the company into two sections meant to Microsoft: Nothing. Nothing happened, because nothing ever does to this country's coddling of billionaires.

http://Microshafted.com

VP Joe Biden Visits Japan; Is Irradiated

http://FinnWContini.com

Vice President Joe Biden visited Japan and the contrast between his arrival and departure was striking. Strange that only I was the one who noticed a change in his appearance. I guess radiation really is bad for one's health.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Political satire for those who can think for themselves:

Taking Conservatives Behind the Woodshed: The Right Has Never Been So Wrong  

Christine O’Donnell’s Surprising Primary Victory Speech (from 2010)

http://FinnWContini.com 

This is an excerpt from my eBook, Taking Conservatives Behind the Woodshed: The Right Has Never Been So Wrong, available on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble for just $2.99.  Admittedly, it's not one of my better chapters, though if one likes to read over-the-top satire filled with masturbation euphemisms, then this chapter is for you.

Chapter 19:

Christine O’Donnell’s Surprising Primary Victory Speech

In 2010, Congressman Mike Castle[i] from the state of Delaware ran as the Republican candidate to fill the seat of Former Senator Joe Biden, now Vice President of the United States. Enter Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell.[ii]

With the backing of out-of-state money (primarily from the billionaire Koch Brothers, founders of the Tea Party movement), O’Donnell flooded the airwaves insinuating that Mike Castle was gay, despite the fact that Representative Castle has been married to his wife since 1992. O’Donnell kept repeating that Castle wear his “man pants” and “man up.” Castle took the high road in response, but the negative attacks took their toll, and O’Donnell, with her state-wide 34% approval rating, somehow defeated Representative Castle in the Republican primary on September 14, 2010, and became the Republican senatorial challenger to Democrat Chris Coons. 

After the primary, Fairleigh Dickenson University’s PublicMind[iii] twice polled Delaware voters, running a hypothetical match-up between Mike Castle and Chris Coons: Republican Castle beat Democrat Coons by a twenty-one-point margin (54%-33%). 

O’Donnell was endorsed by the likes of the fanatical Family Research Council, the National Rifle Association, United States Senator Jim DeMint, Sarah Palin, and conservative commentators Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Mark Levin. On November 2, 2010, Democrat Chris Coons trounced Christine O’Donnell by 17 points in the general election. The Republicans lost a sure-fire Senate seat because of the Tea Party.

Christine O’Donnell’s claim to fame, besides acknowledging to comedian Bill Maher in 1999 that she once dabbled in witchcraft,[iv] was her stance on masturbation.[v] More to the point, she equated masturbation with adultery and called it “sinful.”

I was able to procure O’Donnell’s September 14, 2010 primary victory speech transcript that she disclosed to her closest friends and supporters. Considering her anti-masturbation mission in life and her belief in the sinfulness of such activity, I found this speech to be, well, more than a little stimulating:

“Thank you, thank you all. This is a wonderful night. I’m sorry I didn’t show up until now, but I’ve been playing the banjo in back. Oh, did you see the finger-painting in the lobby when you came in? That took some effort.

“I’ll take one question right now. What’s that? My favorite movie? It’s Driving Ms. Daisy. Either that or Rubbin Hood, I mean Robin Hood.

“Before I begin, I wish to thank my campaign manager, Hannie Palmer. Double clicking the mouse each and every day for me, along with two finger typing, I don’t know how this campaign would have managed without her. Unfortunately, she’s at home right now, nursing a hatchet wound. 

“For those of you who don’t know, I started my career in theater, auditioning the finger puppets. That wasn’t going anywhere, so one day I was sitting in my car, getting a lube job. I had just finished cleaning my fur coat, when it struck me to run for office, and of course it was going to be for the Grand Old Party. Everyone knows the Republican Party is hitchhiking to heaven, and I wanted to be part of that! 

“This primary shows that Washington’s not taking care of my business, and we are no longer diddling. I have to tell you, after watching those numbers come in it nearly ruined my eyesight. Winning this primary is such power – I feel like Moses parting the Red Sea. It’s been a real discovery coming into your own. Voters sure were banging the box for me. But we’re diggin’ in for the long stretch. I’m fingering something out, I mean figuring something out, how to beat Chris Coons in November. This victory was earned, but now we’re entering the forest. This isn’t like tiptoeing through the twolips. 

“Had we lost, we might have gotten trigger happy. You know, resorting to hand to gland combat. But we are revving the engine! We wrestled that one-eyed monster Mike Castle to the ground. This time tomorrow, he’ll be off painting the ceiling or going fishing with the man in the boat. But we can’t rest! No, we can’t polish the pearl just yet. 

“Some of my younger supporters might be thinking about shuffling your iPod, or maybe some of my more mature supporters will be spinnin’ a record tonight. But this isn’t the 1990s – we’re not slicking Willie these days and the two-finger tango will have to wait. 

“Having said that, this might surprise some of you, but there’s no sense beating around the bush. I’m exhausted and I need some time off. Next week I’m going deep sea diving and then will be swimming in the Poon-Tang River. And after that I’ll be doing some indoor fishing or going mining. Shining the diamond is a real possibility there. I might go spelunking in the mystery cave, or possibly visiting Niagara Falls to unwind for a day. But the most relaxing time I have ever known is a night in with the girls.

“Oh, I understand we’re having some issues with the central computer. We’re going to try a manual override, but in the meantime we’re checking the status of the In/Out port. And I’ve just been told that security is searching for Ms. ‘G’ so whoever that is, please see them. 

“This night’s just getting started, and we have refreshments and a buffet in back for all those who are hungry now. We’re having ladyfingers and cream, among other things. Juicing Lucy has been busy all day. I know she’s been hand tossing the tuna salad, peeling the peach, soaking the whisker biscuit, steaming the oyster, seasoning your fish, and shucking the fresh water clam. She’s been stirring the honey pot, that’s for sure. We ran out of gloves, so don’t catch her touching your tuna. Unfortunately, we only have clambake for one, so hurry back there!

“Enough of the applause – you’re making my girl happy!”[vi]

---

Chapter 19 – Christine O’Donnell’s Surprising Primary Victory Speech:

[i] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Castle

[ii] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christine_O’Donnell

[iii] http://publicmind.fdu.edu/winsome/final.pdf

[iv] http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/sep/20/christine-o-donnell-dabbled-witchcraft

[v] http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/sep/15/christine-odonnell-tea-party-interview

[vi] For the record, her victory speech contained fifty-eight euphemisms to masturbation. How shameful!

_____________________________________________ 

Taking Conservatives Behind the Woodshed: The Right Has Never Been So Wrong (on Amazon.com)

Taking Conservatives Behind the Woodshed: The Right Has Never Been So Wrong (on Barnes & Noble -- that is a very long web address!)

Concept Cover for Taking Conservatives Behind the Woodshed

http://FinnWContini.com 

My graphic artist, Samuel Gair, and I have been working on a new cover for Taking Conservatives Behind the Woodshed: The Right Has Never Been So Wrong.

When we upload the book to more ePublishing sites, we are going to use this concept cover in place of the one already in use. I have the subtly of a nuclear explosion...

First Five Chapters to my New eBook, Taking Conservatives Behind the Woodshed

TAKING CONSERVATIVES BEHIND THE WOODSHED:

THE RIGHT HAS NEVER BEEN SO WRONG

CHAPTERS 1-5, FREE PREVIEW

Finn W. Contini

Copyright 2011 by Finn W. Contini

Cover Designed by: Samuel Gair, Graphic Artist

Visit the Author’s Website:

http://FinnWContini.com

Twitter Name:

@FinnWContini

All Rights Reserved

Other books by Finn W. Contini:

(Written under the pen name Katherine Black)

Women May Be from Venus, But Men are Really from Uranus

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

1.   The Pitch

2.   Thanksgiving Dinner with Newt Gingrich

3.   Fox News Fair and Balanced Viewer Opinion Poll #1

4.   Bill O’Reilly’s 1996 Fox News Audition

5.   Interview with George W. Bush, Part One of Four

6.   Fox News Fair and Balanced Viewer Opinion Poll #2

7.   Rush Limbaugh Interviews Sharron Angle, with Special Guest Satan

8.   Early One Morning in 2001 in the Oval Office

9.   Fox News Fair and Balanced Viewer Opinion Poll #3

10. Interview with George W. Bush, Part Two of Four

11. Batshit Crazy: Michele Bachmann and The New Dating Game

12. Fox News Fair and Balanced Viewer Opinion Poll #4

13. Donald Trump Teaches Business 101

14. Sarah Palin, Alaska’s Village Idiot

15. Fox News Fair and Balanced Viewer Opinion Poll #5

16. Interview with George W. Bush, Part Three of Four

17. Dr. Beck’s Snake Oil

18. Fox News Fair and Balanced Viewer Opinion Poll #6

19. Christine O’Donnell’s Surprising Primary Victory Speech

20. The Shining 2: Screenplay by Ann Coulter

21. Fox News Fair and Balanced Viewer Opinion Poll #7

22. Trent Lott, Cheer Queer

23. Interview with George W. Bush, Part Four of Four

24. From the Desk of Rupert Murdoch, News Corp CEO and Chairman

25. Famous Books Rewritten by Conservatives

·      The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, By Florida Governor Rick Scott

·      The Andromeda Strain, By Rupert Murdoch

·      The Call of the Wild, By The Halliburton Corporation,

o       Into the Primitive, Part I

·      A Christmas Carol, By Dick Cheney

·      Cujo, By (and starring) Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour

·      Little Women, By the Reverend Pat Robertson

·      Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, By Mitt Romney

·      Moby Dick, By New Jersey Governor Chris Christie

·      Slaughterhouse Five, By Kentucky Senator Rand Paul

·      The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, By George W. Bush

George the Bladder-Challenged Camel: A Short Story

About the Author and Graphic Artist

Endnotes

Chapter 1:

The Pitch

I met with a few Hollywood studio executives to pitch them my movie idea. For those who do not know what a movie pitch is, you basically meet with movie executives and “pitch” them your idea, whereupon together you go over the basic plot, the pros and cons of the idea, and answer questions the executives may have. I decided to pitch my movie “Bring Them On”[1] to two executives from a major Hollywood studio. Here’s what happened:

CONTINI: You guys are going to love this idea. Terrorists attack the United States.

EXECUTIVE #1: Fantastic!

CONTINI: Yeah, these terrorists fly airplanes full of unsuspecting passengers into one of our major financial centers, killing thousands and catching our nation unprepared.

EXECUTIVE #2: So we didn’t have any warning of these attacks?

CONTINI: Actually, we did have warnings, but we missed them.

EXECUTIVE #1: How’s that possible?

CONTINI: Duh, it’s the government we’re talking about!

EXECUTIVE #1: Oh yeah, right. Continue.

CONTINI: So one of our financial centers has been ruined and our president is alerted. He hops into his airplane –

EXECUTIVE #2: He’s a born fighter pilot, hops into an F-14 Tomcat and kicks some terrorist ass, right?

CONTINI: No, he hops into Air Force One and crisscrosses the country like a coward. But fighter planes flank him.

EXECUTIVE #2: Why would a president do something like that? That’s hardly leadership.

CONTINI: The American people were told that specific threats had been made against the president, which is why he needed to flee for his life, but that was later shown to be a lie.

EXECUTIVE #1: I find it hard to believe the American people would have elected someone so spineless.

CONTINI: That’s the genius of this idea. He wasn’t elected! He was appointed, even though his opponent received more votes in the general election.

EXECUTIVE #1: This is America we’re talking about, right? I can see Iran or North Korea doing something like that, but not America.

CONTINI: No, it’s really America. Okay, I admit there are some gaping plot holes, but let me continue. Our nation is stunned and frightened, so our president goes to the site of the tragedy, reads an eloquent speech to the thousands of onlookers at the site and millions in the television audience, and is hailed by all as a hero.

EXECUTIVE #2: He ran like a coward a week before and is suddenly hailed as a hero? You’re right, there are huge plot holes. But the premise is interesting, so please go on.

CONTINI: The president then convinces Congress that in order for us to catch future terrorists who may be on our soil and planning another attack, that we have to suspend the freedoms this country has known since its founding. The right to associate and freedom of speech are curtailed, warrantless wiretapping and other surveillance is instituted without hesitation. Congress passes the act in the dead of night without debate.

EXECUTIVE #1: Not in a million years would anything like that happen in America. I think you need a co-writer for this script, one whose head is on straight.

CONTINI: Our intelligence identifies who was behind the attack and our president declares that we’re going to hunt them down and find them, dead or alive. He says, “Whether we bring our enemies to justice or bring justice to our enemies, justice will be done.”[2]

EXECUTIVE #2: Fuckin-A! Now we’re talking! So we send over Special Forces and they bag these mothers, right?

CONTINI: No. We send over thousands of troops and look all over the country for the mastermind behind this terrorist attack, but we can’t find him.

EXECUTIVE #1: What? We send over the greatest army in the history of civilization and we can’t find the guy who masterminded the attack?

CONTINI: Nope. We think we come close, but we don’t actually catch him until ten years after the fact, and even then the government story doesn’t make much sense. It’s really kind of funny, considering the mastermind is about six-foot-eight and needs dialysis twice a week. We do get a few of his henchmen and detain them as enemy combatants.

EXECUTIVE #2: Don’t you mean prisoners of war?

CONTINI: No, we classify them as enemy combatants because we never officially declared war on these people.

EXECUTIVE #2: Why wouldn’t we declare war on a country that attacked us?

CONTINI: That’s because a country didn’t attack us – a group of people who are being harbored in a certain country attacked us. And even though our president also said to the world that you’re either with us or against us, and this country is knowingly harboring these terrorists, we don’t declare war on them.

EXECUTIVE #1: That’s another major plot hole. You’re going to have to clear these up, you know.

CONTINI: Eventually it will all make sense. You can’t reveal everything to the audience right away if you want to keep them captivated.

EXECUTIVE #2: So what happens to these enemy combatants?

CONTINI: We hold them indefinitely on an island. We may execute some of them without anyone except our military knowing, but everyone else we just hold indefinitely without charges or a trial. We even have three juveniles being held without charges.

EXECUTIVE #2: You’re going to have to rewrite that part of the script. The American government would never act in such a callous and cavalier manner, and the American people would never tolerate such abuses. Never. That’s against every known agreement in the civilized world.

CONTINI: I agree it is pretty radical, but we’re talking about a government that was appointed and not elected, so it thinks it can do anything and never be held accountable for its actions.

EXECUTIVE #1: Okay, whatever. What happens next?

CONTINI: Just as we think we’re getting close to catching this very tall, dialysis-needing mastermind in the foreign country, our president turns his attention to the leader of a different country and wants to go to war with him.

EXECUTIVE #2: Did this leader also help plan the attack against America?

CONTINI: No, he had nothing to do with it, even though the president says he did. Of course the president has no proof of this and lies about the justification to go to war, but the citizens of America know by now not to question the president.

EXECUTIVE #1: Why’s that?

CONTINI: Because the president said shortly after the attacks that you’re either with us or against us, remember? So anyone who questions the president’s word is against him and is therefore rightfully accused of treason. That’s what the television networks broadcast day and night – dissent in America is no longer allowed.

EXECUTIVE #1: You’re really stretching the limits of credibility.

CONTINI: Anyway, we give the leader of this other country a few months to prove he doesn’t have weapons of mass destruction, which he maintains do not exist.

EXECUTIVE #1: You mean to prove that he does have weapons of mass destruction, right?

CONTINI: No, we want him to prove he doesn’t have weapons that he says he doesn’t have.

EXECUTIVE #1: How can you prove you don’t have something you say you don’t have?

CONTINI: That’s what our president wants to know and, as I’ve already told you, no one is allowed to question the president.

EXECUTIVE #1: This is turning into a waste of time. I have a lunch meeting in thirty minutes with a screenwriter who knows how to write a believable story.

CONTINI: We amass our forces and finally attack this country. We send in hundreds of thousands of troops; we fly planes and helicopters with the best technology; we use weapons that are so precise they can hit a mite on a speck of sand.

EXECUTIVE #2: So we kill the leader of this other country?

CONTINI: No, we can’t find him for almost a year.

EXECUTIVE #2: Let’s back up for a moment. Our troops have surrounded this country, we send in hundreds of thousands of ground troops to get this guy, and he’s able to hide for almost a year? Where does he hide?

CONTINI: In a hole in the desert. At least that’s what the president tells us, even though by then pretty much nothing of what he says is credible. We kill the leader’s sons pretty quickly, and they were sadistic people who deserved to be killed, but the leader remains at large for a long time.

EXECUTIVE #1: After we invade, what happens to the country?

CONTINI: This is the best part! We said we went over there to remove this leader we can’t find, whom we said had weapons that we knew he really didn’t have, so when the people of the United States begin to question the President he changes his tune and says we went over to liberate this country from the dictatorship that had enslaved it for decades.

EXECUTIVE #1: That’s convoluted, but very noble. Audiences like nobility. How long does it take to establish a free government?

CONTINI: Well, it turns out that we never accomplish that. The country descends into civil war and hundreds of thousands of civilians are killed. But the president doesn’t care, because he had an ulterior motive. He had very rich political supporters who helped influence those who appointed him and those rich supporters turn out to be oil barons, so the president literally sells this invaded country’s oil to the highest bidder and we suck the nation dry. Of course, we claim the proceeds are going to that country’s impoverished people, but they never see a dime.

EXECUTIVE #1: I think you’re going to have a tough time selling this script. You bring up some very exciting sequences, but you never finish a scene in a believable manner.

EXECUTIVE #2: Yes, I agree. This script shows a lot of promise in the beginning, but you really have a poor grasp of American politics and democracy in general. I’m kind of surprised you don’t know this, but American presidents are elected, and never appointed. Even Hollywood knows where to draw the line of plausibility. And presidents are strong and courageous; they don’t evade their responsibilities in a time of crisis, and they certainly don’t run away like a timid fool as your character does.

EXECUTIVE #1: A president also has a staff of competent people working around him and, unless they are more corrupt than the Nixon administration, which everyone knows is simply not possible with a digital media and instantaneous information these days, a president wouldn’t be able to pull off even half of what you said without being impeached.

EXECUTIVE #2: And there’s simply no way that a president can go to war with a nation while having lied about the premises for going to war. Besides impeachment, he would be indicted for war crimes. I’m sorry, Mr. Contini, but your script is in dire need of repair. The lines of credibility have been irrevocably crossed.

EXECUTIVE #1: But if you rewrite major portions you could have an idea worthy of our consideration in the future. A strong, honest president would be helpful. An army that is allowed to do its job by capturing terrorists and bringing them to justice would also help your script. You’re definitely going to have to jettison the part about the enemy combatants – that’s a clear violation of the Geneva Convention and America is a stickler for abiding by those rules of war. But most of all, your story just doesn’t make any sense! It is categorically impossible for those scenarios to be plausible. Not in a million years. You won’t find Hollywood making anything like that with a pitch like yours.

CONTINI: You know, you’re right. I think I’ll go visit the History Channel and ask them to produce the first four years of the Bush administration.

Chapter 2:

Thanksgiving Dinner with Newt Gingrich

When not faced with the stress of being a patriotic American while shamelessly cheating on his former wives, Fox News contributor and wannabe presidential candidate Newt Gingrich likes to throw a great party now and then, and last Thanksgiving was no exception. I was able to obtain his guest list, menu and some insider gossip from that dinner party.

All attending guests received a gift certificate to Tiffany’s, not to exceed $100,000.

Honored Guests

Roger Ailes, the President of Fox News Channel, a close personal friend of the Bush family, and a media consultant for three different Republican presidents quickly RSVP’d. He is widely admired by the conservative establishment for his intolerant, biased views, and because he’s incredibly rich and gives the Tea Party generous airtime on Fox News.

Pat Buchanan was asked to be one of the servants because he doesn’t walk in lockstep with the rest of conservatives, but just so he didn’t feel too left out he was placed in charge of the colored servants.

Dick Cheney was invited but had to decline when he ruptured his bowel trying to pull his head out of his ass.

Ann Coulter always has a new book to promote where she calls liberals names, blames liberals for every problem in America, and generally has nothing nice to say about liberals. Ann was basically a sideshow to this party, due to her man-like Adam’s apple and unusually masculine demeanor.

Disgraced former Congressman Tom DeLay was invited but declined when he realized minority servants were going to take up the majority of the available parking spaces. He’s still upset that he couldn’t enlist for military service in Vietnam because those darn minorities beat him to the slots then, too.

Paul Gigot, the editor of the editorial pages of The Wall Street Journal and host of the Journal Editorial Report on Fox News Channel, agreed to attend. Had he not been invited, conservatives might fear an editorial page in which moderates or liberals are fairly represented now and then.

Sean Hannity will be slicing up the turkey in the same manner he used to slice up his impotent co-host Alan Colmes each day on Hannity and Colmes.

Charles and David Koch, stuffy even by conservative standards, were included because what kind of fanatical conservative get-together would be complete without the founders and financial backers of the Tea Party?

Bill O’Reilly was there because every time Newt told him there wasn’t room for one more person, O’Reilly would shout him down as if Newt were a guest on Bill’s “independent” talk show.

Reverend Pat Robertson gave a nonjudgmental grace, which included numerous obligatory references to homosexuals and feminists, how their lifestyles caused 9/11, and how they are all going to hell.

Michael Savage was seated at the far right side of the table.

Phyllis Schlafly gave a shrill speech on the subject of why all women, except her, should stay at home barefoot and pregnant, and why all women, except her, should be prohibited from having careers and running for political office. Newt gave her a standing ovation. She requested an unknown fee for her well-received insults to women.

Laura Schlessinger posed nude as a living centerpiece, just as she had posed nude in the mid-1970s when she was going through a divorce and had “no moral authority.”[3] Had her turkey waddle neck not mysteriously disappeared, it would have fit right in.

Robert Novak, previously of CNN’s Crossfire television show, was invited, but couldn’t attend. While Novak died in 1997 and was a functioning corpse with the help of animatronics, he was deactivated for good in August 2009.

Gingrich Family Thanksgiving Recipes

The Turkey (President Obama)

Tenderize with hit-and-run journalism, baste with salivating juices of hearing him explain how Hawaii has a different type of official birth certificate now than when he was born, and garnish with the thought of conservative white evangelical Christians rising up and voting him out of office. But no one ate the turkey because it was dark meat.

Stuffing (from the belly of Bill Maher)

The sweet, satisfying taste of dry wit stuffing made this Thanksgiving more memorable than most. I never thought I would say that I liked Maher, but now that I’ve tasted him, he’s fantastic!

Mashed Potatoes (the brains of Dennis Kucinich, Democrat Rep. from Ohio)

Any Democrat as short and odd looking as Kucinich who has a wife as tall, graceful and beautiful as she is, deserves to have his brains mashed up and served to Republicans, because it’s insecure Republican types who need trophy wives, not Democrats. Curiously, Dennis had a lot more brains than we needed.

Wall Street Green Beans (money is the only type of “green” conservatives care about)

Our good friends on Wall Street promised to deliver twenty pounds of green beans, but because we know their books are cooked and there are no green beans, we’ll get the taxpayers to pay for this dish and claim that this dinner party will collapse unless we get those green beans.

Cornbread (made by child labor in Maine for $1 a day)

Hey, if the kids don’t like the money then they can stay in school, which conservatives hope to defund any day now and replace with a voucher program where underprivileged kids won’t be able to afford to go to school at all. So take the $1 a day, kids, before conservative businessmen decide you’re only worth fifty cents a day.

Pumpkin Pie (California Senator Barbara Boxer, bound, gagged, and baked at 400 degrees)

Shame on you, Senator Boxer! You dress conservatively, yet you speak with great empathy for your constituents, including women who are the lowest form of life in the eyes of conservatives. There’s just no place in this world for a person like you. (She looks much better sprinkled with nutmeg.)

Candied Yams (made from the jowls of former Florida Democrat Rep. Alan Grayson)

Alan, did you really think drafting legislation called “War is Making You Poor Act” (H.R. 5353) was going to fly with Republicans and their supporters who get rich off war? Your bill would have pulled us out of Iraq and Afghanistan and used the savings to eliminate taxes on every American’s first $35,000 of income. Did you really think for one moment that Republicans would stand for such legislation that might benefit the poor and middle class, without finding a way to make you lose your seat after just one term?

An Open Bonfire (Ted Kennedy’s corpse)

Even though he passed away in 2009, Ted’s body was so rum-soaked that it still provided a gorgeous pillar of fire that lasted all night.

After dinner and dessert, when the women were in the kitchen where they belong doing the dishes, the men sat around the Kennedy bonfire singing hymns to Jesus for blessing Republicans with the gifts of tolerance, compassion and understanding. Also discussed were the finer points of why it is critically necessary to use protection when screwing secretaries or engaging in gay sex, while publicly denigrating others who behave exactly like hypocritical conservatives.

Chapter 3:

Fox News Fair and Balanced Viewer Opinion Poll #1

In a survey of 998 regular Fox News viewers, we asked:

What kind of president was George W. Bush?

The greatest ever:

39%

One of the greatest ever:

34%

Just average, but still kind of great:

22%

I am a liberal and I hate America, so therefore I hate George W. Bush:

5%

We Report, You Decide.

Chapter 4:

Bill O’Reilly’s 1996 Fox News Audition

Bill O’Reilly was required to audition for his program at Fox News, even though he had previously put in six years at the tabloid news program “Inside Edition” as its senior correspondent and backup anchor. Fox wanted to be sure Bill could cut it on the air, because it’s one thing to broadcast the bizarre with a straight face, but it’s quite another to have to lie with every breath and keep that blank stare. During this mock interview, Bill’s “guests” are a couple of people he can denigrate, with a Fox News producer standing by to offer Bill tips and pointers on how things are done on Fox broadcasts.

(Transcript)

O’Reilly: Welcome to O’Reilly’s Circus, a one-hour show designed to bring the viewer balanced and fact-based information.

Producer: I like the balanced part, but why did you say O’Reilly’s Circus?

O’REILLY: I thought that would be the name of my show, something to really grab the viewer’s attention, to give them a carnival atmosphere. I’ll have jugglers and a fat lady breathing fire in the background.

Producer: I know you came from a television tabloid newsmagazine, but for cable television we already have loyal viewers. We don’t need to shock them.

O’REILLY: So I don’t need the Circus part to attract viewers? That’s good. I never did like to say I won a Peabody Award and then have to follow up that success with a show named O’Reilly’s Circus.

PRODUCER: You won a Peabody?

O’REILLY: Not really, but who would be so impolite to look up such an obscure fact?[4] And it’s not like that person would ever be taken seriously or that we should ever take a person like that seriously.

PRODUCER: You mean someone like Al Franken? Good point. His career’s going nowhere. Continue.

O’Reilly: Welcome to the O’Reilly Report, a one-hour show designed to bring the viewer balanced information. Today my guest will be Dr. Liberal Traitor from the Democratic National Committee. Welcome to the show, Dr. Traitor.

DR. TRAITOR: Thanks for having me, Bill.

O’REILLY: Let me start by asking you why the Democratic Party caters to the scum of the earth: liberals, homosexuals, and worthless sordid people like that.

DR. TRAITOR: The Democratic Party does nothing of the sort, Bill, and you know that –

O’REILLY: So you’re not going to answer the question?

DR. TRAITOR: I’m trying to answer your question, Bill. As I was saying –

O’REILLY: My viewers don’t like doublespeak and nonsense, Dr. Traitor. If you could just make your point we can move on.

DR. TRAITOR: I’m trying to, Bill, but you’re interrupting me. The Democratic Party stands for –

O’REILLY: Okay, if you’re going to continue stalling then I’ll ask something else. How can the DNC justify having women –

DR. TRAITOR: You’re not allowing me to reply, Bill.

O’REILLY: Don’t interrupt! That’s very rude! We need to break for a commercial, but we’ll be right back. Unfair and unbalanced, Fox News.

(Cut to commercial)

PRODUCER: Excellent start, Bill! But our slogan is “Fair and Balanced,” not “Unfair and Unbalanced” as you stated.

O’REILLY: But we’re not fair and balanced. I noticed in this station’s charter that we’re here to lie, badger, intimidate, and push an intolerant conservative agenda down the throats of the American people.

PRODUCER: True, but our viewers don’t need to know any of that. We tell them what we want them to believe and what they like to hear. This is television. Now the commercial break is almost over. Ask your guest one more question, interrupt him and then move on to another guest, thanking the first guest for his time, but berating him for dodging your questions.

(Commercial ends)

O’REILLY: Dr. Traitor, we just have time for one more question. Why do Democrats hate America?

DR. TRAITOR: Mr. O’Reilly, that is an unfair and inappropriate accusation. Actually, Democrats –

O’REILLY: Sorry, doctor, we’re out of time and this is the no-spin zone. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. My next guest is an environmental activist with Greenpeace. Let’s welcome the tree-hugger.

TREE-HUGGER: My name is –

O’REILLY: No one is interested in your name; tree-hugger is all our viewers need to know.

TREE HUGGER: In that case, I’ll simply address you as a myopic retard.

O’REILLY: Go ahead. My viewers are too stupid to know you just insulted me.

PRODUCER: Cut! Bill, I like the no-spin zone thing, even though you’re being hired to spin like a top. We love hypocrisy here at Fox. I realize you know from the employee handbook that our viewers are idiots with severely low IQ’s. That’s why we’re able to manipulate them so easily. But you can’t tell them that! Our nonstop disinformation has them in a trance-like state. These are very fragile people, Bill. If you snap your fingers too hard they might wake up. Murdoch and Ailes would have my ass if everyone switched from Fox to MSNBC, where they practice fact-based journalism. Let’s try it again.

O’REILLY: Okay, let’s continue.

PRODUCER: Remember, Bill, fair and balanced.

O’REILLY: Mr. Tree-Hugger, why is Greenpeace more concerned about the fate of the spotted gnat in our northwest forests than about saving American jobs?

TREE-HUGGER: Bill, I think you have Greenpeace confused with The Sierra Club. Our mission at Greenpeace is to –

O’REILLY: Wait a minute. I – I can’t read the teleprompter. I don’t know what, whatever it is it’s not right on the teleprompter. I don’t know what that is; I’ve never seen that. “To play us out.” What does that mean? “To play us out.” I don’t know what that means. To end the show?

PRODUCER: Bill, this isn’t Inside Edition. You can’t flip out here at Fox the way you went crazy on that other program with the cameras rolling.[5]

O’REILLY: Okay, but I can’t read it! There’s no, there’s no words on it!

PRODUCER: Relax, Bill. I’ll take care of the Greenpeace guy for you, okay? We’re just having an issue with the teleprompter.

O’REILLY: It’s okay, I’ll get rid of the Greenpeace guy. Tree-hugger? Leave. Now. We’re going to take a break for a moment, but we’ll be right back. Fair and balanced, we distort, you comply. Fox News.

PRODUCER: You got the “fair and balanced” part right this time, but the other part of the slogan is “we report, you decide,” not “we distort, you comply.”

O’REILLY: But that’s exactly what Fox does. You take a regular bit of news, give it a far-right conservative slant, and then report it as fact. Fox completely distorts news stories and your viewers are such sheeple that they blindly nod their heads like the circus freaks they are. That’s why this program should probably be called O’Reilly’s Circus – it will cater to the lowest common denominator, which is your base.

PRODUCER: Bill, tell me something I don’t know! I agree with you on every point, but we can’t say it! Murdoch and Ailes believe that in fifteen years the average Fox viewer will have been fed so much disinformation that we’ll be able to tell them anything and they’ll believe it. Hell, we’ll be able to report that if millionaires and billionaires have to pay any taxes at all that none of us will have jobs the next day. They’ll buy it! Bill, I think you’re going to fit in here because you’ve proven you’ll say whatever is necessary to get high ratings. I like your passion for deception. Now read the teleprompter and close your show. You’ll be on live tomorrow night.

O’REILLY: That’s tomorrow and that is a –

PRODUCER: Again, five, four, three…

O’REILLY: That’s tomorrow, and that is it for us today and we’ll leave you with a…uh, I can’t do it! We’ll do it live.

PRODUCER: Okay.

O’REILLY: We’ll do it live! Fuck it! Do it live! I’ll write it and we’ll do it live! Fucking thing sucks!

PRODUCER: In five, four, three…

O’REILLY: That’s tomorrow and that is it for us today. I’m Bill O’Reilly, thanks again for watching.

PRODUCER: And we’re out. I have to tell you, Bill, you’re going to have a great future with Fox. In addition to you, we’ve got some other real unstable talent we’re going to hire, like this one guy who calls himself Hannity. If you’re brave enough to go on air with a name that rhymes with insanity, you know you have the balls to come work at Fox. Heh, no-spin zone. That’s a good one!

Chapter 5:

Interview with George W. Bush, Part One of Four

In my initial interview with President George W. Bush just outside the Rose Garden in 2006, I chose to focus first on our invasion of Iraq, still a raging war after nearly four years of senseless fighting, and three years after Bush declared “Mission Accomplished.” As the interview progressed, he had a few choice words to say about war, terrorism, Saddam Hussein, the Middle East, and his own leadership ability.

CONTINI: I really appreciate your time today, Mr. President. I am especially grateful that you are willing to talk about these sensitive issues when our nation is at perpetual war.

BUSH: The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war![vi]

CONTINI: What does Iraq have to do with the war on terror?

BUSH: You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.[vii] The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.[viii] People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in’s house and say I love you.[ix]

CONTINI: Be that as it may, the United Nations wouldn’t join us in the invasion, and our own Congress and Senate were very uncomfortable giving you sole authority to engage this country in unilateral, preemptive military action.

BUSH: I need to be able to move the right people to the right place at the right time to protect you, and I’m not going to accept a lousy bill out of the United Nations Senate.[x]

CONTINI: And to think some people had the audacity to say you weren’t up to the challenge of leadership!

BUSH: They misunderestimated me.[xi]

CONTINI: Indeed they did, Mr. President. No one ever said you have an easy job. There is an entire world to lead.

BUSH: This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.[xii]

CONTINI: It certainly is. So how do you envision the role of the United States from this point on?

BUSH: Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment.[xiii]

CONTINI: Well spoken. Do you have any other expectations to share?

BUSH: Our nation must come together to unite.[xiv]

CONTINI: Amen to that. We have come together as a nation. Dissention is no longer tolerated. You must feel very proud.

BUSH: If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier...just as long as I’m the dictator.[xv]

CONTINI: Well, of course. I’ve often fantasized about being a dictator myself, but that was before the electroshock therapy. Do you ever worry that the nation will lose trust in you, taking this kind of attitude in a democracy?

BUSH: I think the American people – I hope the American – I don’t think, let me – I hope the American people trust me.[xvi]

CONTINI: That sounds like a resounding statement of confidence to me, Mr. President. It’s reassuring that you feel this level of trust.

BUSH: There’s a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, ‘I don’t want you to let me down again.’[xvii]

CONTINI: I find it hard to believe you’ve ever let anyone down. I’m sure everyone likes you.

BUSH: I’ve changed my style somewhat, as you know. I’m less, I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this interview. And I’m more interacting with people.[xviii]

CONTINI: I understand you perfectly, and I don’t care if you want to preach to people like me. So in that vein, what is your best personal advice to the American people?

BUSH: I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure.[xix]

CONTINI: Excellent insight. Could we turn our attention to the Middle East for a moment?

BUSH: My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the – in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen.[xx]

CONTINI: Have we been seeing more suicide bombings of late?

BUSH: The suicide bombings have increased. There’s too many of them.[xxi]

CONTINI: How do we combat terrorism when the enemy has so many suicide bombers?

BUSH: These people don’t have tanks. They don’t have ships. They hide in caves. They send suiciders out.[xxii]

CONTINI: Suicide bombers are one thing but weapons of mass destruction are quite another.

BUSH: The law I signed today directs new funds and new focus to the task of collecting vital intelligence on terrorist threats and on weapons of mass production.[xxiii]

CONTINI: Bravo, Mr. President, bravo! But is there any chance this law will jeopardize our constitutional rights as free citizens?

BUSH: There ought to be limits to freedom.[xxiv]

CONTINI: Speaking of freedom, what led you to ask for a bill as extreme as the Patriot Act?

BUSH: I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.[xxv]

CONTINI: Would you say that protecting our homeland justifies whatever means the government employs?

BUSH: Any time we’ve got any kind of inkling that somebody is thinking about doing something to an American and something to our homeland, you’ve just got to know we’re moving on it, to protect the United Nations Constitution, and at the same time, we’re protecting you.[xxvi]

CONTINI: I didn’t think I could feel any safer, but after a statement like that I stand corrected. Now at a more personal level, I know everyone in your administration believes in you, but what one person is the most important, in your opinion?

BUSH: Most importantly, Alma Powell, secretary of Colin Powell, is with us.[xxvii]

CONTINI: Interesting choice. What should our goals be as a nation?

BUSH: The goals for this country are peace in the world. And the goals for this country are a compassionate American for every single citizen. That compassion is found in the hearts and souls of the American citizens.[xxviii]

CONTINI: Makes perfect sense to me. Any other words of wisdom? Maybe some insight for our enemies?

BUSH: There’s no cave deep enough for America, or dark enough to hide.[xxix]

CONTINI: Mr. President, I know going into the 2000 election you felt very confident about winning the presidency. Do you recall what you said to a potential voter who was considering choosing you over Vice President Gore?

BUSH: After we go out and work our hearts out, after you go out and help us turn out the vote, after we’ve convinced the good Americans to vote, and while they’re at it, pull that old George W. lever, if I’m the one, when I put my hand on the Bible, when I put my hand on the Bible, that day when they swear us in, when I put my hand on the Bible, I will swear to not – to uphold the laws of the land.[xxx]

CONTINI: Spoken with great eloquence. Thank you, sir! What final thought would you like to leave with the American people today?

BUSH: This is still a dangerous world. It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.[xxxi]

CONTINI: It’s certainly full of madmen, Mr. President. Our visit has been enlightening, to say the least.

---

Chapter 1 – The Pitch:

[1] “My answer is bring them on.” George W. Bush, on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003

[2] http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/gwbush911jointsessionspeech.htm

Chapter 2 – Thanksgiving Dinner with Newt Gingrich:

[3] http://news.cnet.com/Court-OKs-nude-Dr.-Laura-photos/2100-1023_3-217407.html

Chapter 4 – Bill O’Reilly’s 1996 Fox News Audition:

[4] Al Franken not only looked it up, but also wrote about it. Bill O’Reilly later said he never claimed Inside Edition won a Peabody, which is the highest award that can be given in journalism. Inside Edition won Polk Awards, which no journalist has ever confused with a Peabody. Although O’Reilly denies having ever said he’d won a Peabody, that’s exactly what he claimed on a Fox broadcast on May 19, 2000: http://www.fair.org/index.php?page=1070

[5] When Bill was on Inside Edition, he couldn’t read the teleprompter and flipped out, including using profanity, before his producer could get him under control. Bill is now a legend on YouTube due to that outburst: http://www.youtube.com/user/OffbeatEarth

Chapter 5 – Interview with George W. Bush, Part One of Four:

[vi] George W. Bush, the first Presidential debate, October 3, 2000

[vii] George W. Bush, in an interview with CBS News’ Katie Couric, September 6, 2006

[viii] George W. Bush, Grand Rapids, MI, January 29, 2003

[ix] George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., September 19, 2002

[x] George W. Bush, South Bend, IN, October 31, 2002

[xi] George W. Bush, Bentonville, AR, November 6, 2000

[xii] Quoted in the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

[xiii] Quoted at a rally on January 14, 2001

[xiv] George W. Bush, Tampa, FL, June 4, 2001

[xv] George W. Bush, Washington, DC, December 18, 2000

[xvi] George W. Bush, Washington, DC, December 18, 2002

[xvii] George W. Bush, Boston, Massachusetts, October 3, 2000

[xviii] George W. Bush, Meet The Press, February 13, 2000

[xix] Quoted at a rally on January 18, 2001

[xx] Quoted at his ranch in Crawford, TX, August 13, 2001

[xxi] George W. Bush, Albuquerque, NM, August 15, 2001

[xxii] Quoted in Portsmouth, NH, November 1, 2002

[xxiii] George W. Bush, Washington, DC, November 27, 2002

[xxiv] Quoted at a press conference at the Texas State House, May 21, 1999

[xxv] Quoted at a stop in Rome, July 22, 2001

[xxvi] George W. Bush, Aberdeen, SD, October 21, 2002

[xxvii] George W. Bush, Washington, DC, January 30, 2003

[xxviii] George W. Bush, Washington, DC, December 19, 2002

[xxix] George W. Bush, Oklahoma City, August 29, 2002

[xxx] George W. Bush, Toledo, OH, October 27, 2000

[xxxi] Quoted in the Financial Times, January 14, 2000

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